Gains and Losses

Being a mom you lose pieces of yourself. Things like memory, for example. I used to be able to remember an entire grocery list and all of the coordinating coupons and execute the trip alone in no more than an hour. My life today, with two baby girls, ages 2 months and 18 months, I can't even fathom going with-out my husband, the 2 Ergo's and infant insert, the shopping cart cover just in case, the fully stocked diaper bag, my wallet, phone, and van keys...what am I forgetting? Oh! The list and coupons! See what I mean?

I've also given up my shame and privacy. The two go hand-in-hand, trust me. I do not sleep, eat, shower or pee alone. I don't check the mail alone, or vacuum alone, or do the laundry alone, or clean the cat box alone, or... You get the idea. I aim to shave my legs every three days max and when I say that I mean most of my legs because, chances are, halfway through the first leg one of the babies will start getting fussy and I will have to speedy shave with my old razor hoping to scrape at least majority of the hair off while trying not to knock the toddler on the shower floor in the head as she wipes the shaving cream off of me and onto her belly.

Speaking of shaving, I have had to give up any sense of personal hygeine or style. Deodorant? Nope, forgot that today. (See above.) I have no time to sit and paint my toes, leisurely pick out an outfit, style my hair in anything besides a ponytail, slather on any make up besides eyeliner and eyeshadow. The most I can do besides shower is to hastily smack some lotion on afterwards. I don't wear much jewelry now unless I stop to think about putting some on before running errands.

Not so much losing a piece of myself, but still a big loss for me, is hot food. Other mothers, especially breastfeeders with more than one offspring, will be able to relate. I feel like lunch time everyday, when it's just the girls and me, is the hardest. I go through the same motions every mealtiime and everyone enjoys their food except me.
1 Get toddler into the highchair
2 Get toddler food
3 Go back and get the right kid-sized utencil
4 Shoo dogs away
5 Pick up fork and hand back to toddler
6 Pick-up/un-Moby crying baby
7 Latch extremely unhappy infant to boob
8 Enjoy one quiet, still moment with happy girls
9 Get toddler more food of different variety
10 Attempt to make a plate one-handed for myself
11 Sit at table and take approximately one large bite
12 Get up to get toddler a cup
13 Sit and take another bite
14 Baby un-latches and spits up everywhere
15 Run to change clothes
16 Burp baby
17 Toddler finished and wants down to play...
You get the idea. I end up snacking all day feeling famished because lunch is never 100% satisfying.

You can see where I'm going with this right? You give up a lot of things being a mother, material and personal. I have had to trade cars with my husband and give up my beloved SUV for a minivan (which isn't too bad, it's actually quite handy, but that's an article for another day), stop listening to my wide-variety of music genres because I don't want the girls to hear any cussing or crude lyrics, and speaking of music I don't listen to it very loud anymore because I don't want to hurt their tiny ears. And I miss my writing. A lot. Writing was a HUGE part of myself that I just don't have time for anymore. Yes, right now sleeping takes priority over blogging, poetry, stories, whatever...

But you know what I've gained in all those losses?? What makes me not miss the old, maybe prettier, me?? My kisses have healing powers. My story-telling could rival the Irish. I get to feel tiny arms hug me just becuase they feel like grabbing on and open-mouthed baby kisses on my cheek. I get to hear her giggle just because the dog cocked his head to the side and his tongue rolled out. I get to see her excitement when Daddy comes home from the station and the adorable toddler toe-running. I get to rock a sleeping baby while the rest of the house is still and dark. A mess doesn't bother me anymore because it means they are learning about something. I get to share a thousand first moments and memories. I get to hear them laugh, out loud and in sleep.

So I'll roll out of bed before I'm awake. Even on the weekends. I'll give up coffee because it upsets the baby's tummy. I'll learn to live with hairy legs and a ponytail. I will listen to the Disney CD and I'll sing along to make them smile. I'll put a day of playing and learning before cleaning the sink of dishes. I know the next 20 years will go by fast. I know someday there will be no messes and no noise. I am never alone and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I am two little somebodies whole worlds. They are mine.