The TMI Post

Well, you saw the title, last chance to turn back and save yourselves... Nope? Ok, here we go. Let me start by saying that I love my daughter. She is perfect and I loved being pregnant with her. I was one of the lucky women who manage to come through pregnancy mostly unscathed from varicose veins, extreme stretch marks, or that flabby pudge. Yay me! I'd also like to add that pregnancy is a wonderful, magical experience that changes a woman. Now when I talk about changes, I'm not just talking about the whole growing a human being from scratch thing, I'm talking about all the disgusting things that no one tells you about pregnancy that scar your body and brain forever like a horror movie you continue to have nightmares about.

It's all blamed on hormones and I say blame whatever you want, it's gross. To start, the cliche everyone has seen in every movie about pregnant people. Once your body realizes you are carrying such a precious material in your nether-regions, it floods with hormones that make you sick and filled with nausea at all times. It's not caused by food or smells though they can definitely help the trigger. One of my biggest fears my first trimester was upchucking in my car. And I'm one of the few people you meet who can sit in the backseat of a vehicle and read for hours without being sick. Turning around a parking garage trying to find a space was going to cause some nasty consequences I was sure. Luckily, I never did get physically ill in my car. Unluckily, it hit me right afterwards when I stepped out of the garage's elevator. The jerking motion of slowing to the ground below and the windows that looked into the street were a bad combo. I made it to a bush and that was that.

From your head to your toes, some interesting things occur to your outside person. Your hair falls out. Not in big cancerous-type clumps, but pretty close. Stepping out of the shower and combing your locks might leave you staring at the brush in panic and thinking of running to a wig shop or taking that beach cap out of the top of your closet. Don't worry. It's not noticeable to others and is normal. (I hope?! Just kidding!) Though some books and websites say that you'll retain your hair and it'll be flowing thick and shiny, in some cases it's a crock. Put it in a pony and wait it out.

If you wear contacts this next one is a doozy. Ready? The shape of your eyes change. No, I'm not kidding. The size of your iris shrinks so you're contacts will cover too much of your eyes. Don't go running out to change your prescription either because it will change back. In the meantime you'll either have to put up with it or switch back to your glasses for a while. I dealt with it because I had just purchased a years worth of contacts before the stick said yes. Just be aware that if you do chose that route as well, your eyes dry out twice as fast as they normally would and sometimes this gets painful.

Since I'm working downwards, I'm going to make a quick circle back to the mouth. Not only does nausea hit, and I'll go ahead and tell you chicken is the first meat you'll nix cause the thought of cleaning fat off it will have you running to the loo, but ironically, you'll drool like crazy. All the time and for no reason. Just brush your teeth over the sink.

Here's a scary thought, your boobs will have a mind of their own. Not only will they grow, sometimes rather rapidly causing those horrible stretch marks to appear, they might leak colostrum, a golden liquid that will nourish your baby immediately after birth. There's nothing you can do about it. It's just your body's way of gearing up to care for your tiny human once they're on the outside. Again, feel free to stuff pads wherever you want to stuff pads. Who thought you'd make it out of the teen years and still practice the art of stuffing your bra?

Speaking of stuffing pads places, you'll be buying more than one kind. One intensely awkward and embarrassing side effect side effect of those fun hormones is discharge. Yes, a white, filmy, sometimes sticky discharge from your va-jay-jay. Experts in books recommend using a sanitary pad to catch it and save your undies. Ew. Moving on!

Though it's freaky, it's also slightly a positive: long, strong fingernails. If you've always had weak ones relish in this and paint them fun colors to brighten your mood. If your nails are in pretty good shape already, they may appear to grow overnight and it'll get old clipping them fast. Especially if you have the forgetful part of pregnancy and lose the file. Take heart that once you stop the prenatal vitamins things should return to normal.

Lastly, I'm going to leave you with the thought that you could be leaving as well...to go to the shoe store. I'm talking big feet. Those lovely hormones cause your bones to relax and spread so that your tiny human can find their way out of your body and the side effects of that lead to big feet and possibly permanently bigger feet. If you're an optimist like I am, take it as an opportunity to renew your shoe collection. :)